descriptive essay

Hey Mrs. Bame!
The light blue= parts that I have either revised/shortened or added
The yellow= parts that I’m considering deleting
***I have deleted some throughout the talk, but not NEARLY enough. I’m struggling with that so maybe you could look for places that are repetitious or not needed.
And for the visual intro I’m thinking about doing something with my letter jacket it has patches on it that are kind of “labels” but that would only add a little more time to my talk so we seriously gotta find some stuff to cut out. I’m kinda freakin out about that!

Hey guys! Well my name is Katie Cugini. I’m about 5’9. I have brown hair. Brown eyes. I’d like to think of myself as laid back, optimistic, and fun to be around. If you asked people at my school who they thought I was you’d get a different answer...depending on whom on you asked. If you asked some kid who had never talked to me before, only heard of me he or she would probably say “oh she’s a swimmer” or “I think she’s in top 10% and takes AP classes”. Yet those are just labels. We’ve all heard them before “jocks” “Goths” “druggies”. But I don’t feel like the labels placed on me depict who I am. Those are things about me that only you can only see on the outside. They are things I DO not who I actually AM.

If you asked one of my close friends they’d say, “ I’m that type of person who puts people before myself. I can always make you laugh if you’re having a bad day. Compassionate, Optimistic, Caring. And fun” That description (given by one of my good friends) goes a little deeper, a little beyond what I look like or how I spend my time.

YET

Nobody really fully understands who you are better than you and God. This talk has been a challenge for me because here I am…trying to sum up who I really am. But who can do that? Who really knows? As a person I am changing, and figuring out who I truly am is an on-going process that is always evolving. I think the best person to try to explain me is, me.
I’m the oldest of 3. I have a younger brother and sister whom I’m very protective over. My family and I lived in Houston Texas until I was about 8 then we moved to GA due to my dad’s job. My religious upbringing was pretty normal; we went to mass every Sunday, we went to Sunday school, and were taught to say our prayers before bed. I’ve gone through all the traditional Catholic sacraments like baptism, first reconciliation, first communion, and confirmation. I was confirmed fairly early, in 8th grade, so the sacraments weren’t as meaningful as they are to me today. My dad was raised Catholic and my mom’s parents aren’t firm believers in Christ so she never went to church when she was younger and I’m really proud of her that she has gotten involved in the Catholic church. But, outside of mass, in our day-to-day lives God isn’t really discussed in our home. At the time, I didn’t notice anything was missing until I became real involved in Prince of Peace and grew in my faith with God through Challenge, Servant leader and Bible Study. But, before I became closer to God I went through some difficult times where I didn’t know who I was and when I know I wasn’t true to myself.

All through middle school I went to Warner Robins Middle School in Warner Robins GA. I made some of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. I can honestly say this because they are still my friends to this day: 4 years later. They were everything to me and the type of friends who built me up and made me a better person. Those are the real friends in life, that don’t come a long too often. So when my parents told me that I was going to have to move to Texas and leave all my lifelong friends behind I was completely devastated. Despite all my prayers to God that we might some how stay, we moved the summer before my freshman year.

Honestly guys, that summer was the two worse months of my life. I didn’t know a single person. I was angry and bitter at my parents, my situation, and worst of all: I was angry with God. I completely lost touch with my relationship with Him because I blamed him for my loneliness and loss. All he became to me was the one who took away everything that I loved. I stopped praying and most days I’d go through life without even thinking of him. In a way I think I was trying to spite God. I thought: I’ll make a life for myself here without his help. I don’t need him. So, I started school that August. For most normal kids, the first day of high school is nerve racking enough, even if you do have 20 friends. I was starting high school without a single friend. I remember having nightmares about it the night before school started, and it turned about being exactly like my nightmares. I remember being so completely lost in the maze of hallways. In my classes, I watched as all the kids ran around greeting their friends as I sat at my desk all a lone. Sometimes I would get the courage to introduce myself to someone. They would give me a cold “Hello” then turn back to the conversation they were having with their friend. That day at lunch I searched for a place to sit. I was too afraid to go and sit in the middle of a group of friends. I saw two girls sitting at an empty table. They didn’t really seem like my type: dressed in dark cloths and bland expressions on their face. But I decided not to judge from what I saw on the outside because I didn’t want people to do that to me. So I sat next to them and tried to strike up a conversation. It failed. They almost completely ignored me except for saying “hi”. So I gathered up my lunch and managed to make it to the bathroom before I felt tears stream down my face. I felt so alone and so unwanted. I felt like nobody want to be my friend because they already had all their friends and there was no room for me. One thing I am proud of myself about was that I didn’t try and change myself too much to make people like me. I didn’t go out and seek the parties or try to act like the “cool” crowd because I figured that I’d had friends in GA who liked me for who I was so it might just take some time to find others that accepted me the same way. But my self-esteem in my outer appearance did plummet. I felt like I must not be pretty because no guys talked to me. I became obsessed with making sure I looked my best because I thought maybe if I was prettier people would notice me more.

Slowly, the year progressed and through basketball I made a small handful of friends. But I was still a very sad girl. I felt myself changing. Instead of the outgoing, fun loving girl I used to be I felt myself closing up in a shell. I would go home and cry at night because I felt so alone and I had no one to share how I felt. Then, one night after a day where I was feeling particularly alone I was crying in my room. I had an epiphany, or a huge realization. I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Why couldn’t I be happy? What was I missing? I came to a conclusion: maybe I needed God’s help, maybe I needed him in my life. I literally fell to my knees and just prayed to God. I told him I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I couldn’t do this without him anymore. I prayed that he would come into my life and guide me on the path I was suppose to be traveling because I was lost. It was hard because I didn’t really know how to pray or ask God for help. I had gone to mass my whole life and I knew the “Our Father” but I mean I didn’t really know how to talk to God. So I simply told him my problems and asked for him to help me just like I’d talk to a friend.

I wont lie and said I had immediate answers and immediate happiness. But slowly I made friends, slowly I was able to really show myself to people. But I was still lacking that best friend. That one person you could really confide your every secret to. I found that friend the summer before my junior year in a way I didn’t expect: a boy. He made me realize many strengths and weaknesses about myself. His name was Paul and we became good friends, well, more than that very quickly. He was my boyfriend and my best friend. I slowly showed him the real me because I realized that a real relationship could not form without me being my true self. I had had too many “superficial” friends and relationships in my life. I knew it wasn’t worth the effort of putting on that MASK just to be friends with him. If he didn’t like me for who I was than we weren’t supposed to be together. So, I told him everything and anything and I totally and completely trusted him. I was comfortable being myself around him. At the time, around Paul I was able to be myself, and he was able to make me comfortable to bring out my true self. My true self was something I hadn’t really shown people. That self is quirky, nerdy, and loves to read fantasy books. And for the first time in a while I felt I could be comfortable letting someone see that. Yet my relationship with Paul also brought out some times where I wasn’t true to myself.

Sometimes I felt like I didn’t really know who I was and at church I would always hear people say listen to God or listen to your heart or that inner voice. But I didn’t really understand that. Listen to your inner voice?? I didn’t hear a voice sometimes. But it was there. One thing that my relationship with Paul introduced was drinking. He presented the idea to me and at first I was totally against it. Yet, we went to a party and I saw everyone around me drinking and having fun. Suddenly I felt like that girl on the first day of high school: not fitting in. I thought everyone would notice I wasn’t doing it. Drinking looked like fun and I figured I should try it. I knew deep down inside that this was not something God or my family would agree with. THAT realization was the voice and I just didn’t know it at the time. That little voice was the real me being guided by God to do the right thing. But I pushed that inner voice away and listened the part of me that wanted to have fun and wanted to fit in with the crowd. I rationalized the situation: we all do it. I pushed that inner voice away by telling myself that its really not THAT bad, and that I’ll try it, Just this once.

So I listened to Paul, whispering in my ear “Please just try it this once.” After that one time I listened to HIS voice saying “C’mon lets do it again. I love you and we had some much fun last time.” Listening to Paul’s voice started to replace listening to my inner voice. I caved under the pressure. To this day that is one of the two things I am most disappointed in myself about. I remember getting home that night and feeling physically sick to my stomach but also sick with myself. I felt weak, like I didn’t have the power to stick to my convictions. I thought I was a strong enough person to stick to my morals. I thought I was strong enough to always listen to my inner voice. Thankfully I did not get too caught up in all partying and drinking but, drinking changed many relationships in my life. It changed the relationship I had with my parents, even though they don’t know it. I had to lie to them where I was going and what I had done that night. That only added to the guilt I felt because they still don’t know and that relationship is something I’m working on to heal. Before this point, my relationship with God had been strengthening because I had gone on my Challenge and had become involved with youth ministry, and through that I was able to open myself to having God in my life. But drinking hindered that relationship I was building with God because I was doing something I knew was wrong, and doing it any way. Now looking back, I see that it changed my relationship with Paul as well. I think he saw that he was able to pressure me into drinking, so he thought he might be able to pressure me into doing other things. That brings me to the other thing I’m most disappointed in my self about.

It was another times I caved under pressure. Mine and Paul’s relationship became very close. We thought we loved each other. I trusted him with my whole heart. So I compromised my morals. I gave part of myself to him. I didn’t have sex because luckily that was something I did listen to my heart about. But I did give too much of myself to him. Again, I rationalized the situation to shut out my inner voice, which was telling me it was wrong. I thought “hey the stuff in between can’t hurt. At least I’m not having sex. We love each other so its ok” Again, I wasn’t treating my body with the respect it deserved and my true self knew that. But I buried that little voice deep inside, only listening to the “I love you’s” being whispered in my ear. Looking back, I realize my mistake. Me and Paul hadn’t talked about how far we were going to go. I hadn’t made up my mind of what I was going to do if I was put in that situation with a guy before it happened, so when the heat of the moment situation occurred it was harder stop and listen to that inner voice. In the future, I know how I’m going to not make this mistake again. Before I get into another relationship with a guy we are going to talk about where the boundaries are before we get in the heat of the moment

After over a year long relationship, mine and Paul’s was shattered in only a few days. Paul betrayed my trust in a way that hurt me so bad: he cheated on me. I wish I could say that it was only first time, but actually it was the second time this had happened. But after the first time, I felt like people needed 2nd chances and he seemed so sorry so I gave him a 2nd chance. After that first time he lost my trust, but over the year we dated he gained it back, little by little. Though, a little part of me always wondered if he was hiding something. So when I found out that he had cheated on me I was shocked but not in complete disbelief. This time there was no second chance. We broke up and he left me feeling completely betrayed, unloved, unappreciated, angry and I felt like he had no respect for me as a person. I had invested so much of my time, effort, trust, and love into our relationship that when I found out he wasn’t doing the same I felt so unappreciated. And what hurt the most was that he wasn’t sorry. Instead of owning up to it and apologizing he denied it, and tried to avoid me. I felt like he was more worried about people finding out and his reputation being ruined, then how it made me feel. I had a completely broken heart and he didn’t seem to care. Usually when someone is truly sorry about what they’ve done to you and they apologize, you feel a peace of mind and relief and its easier to heal. But I never got that closure so …
I’m now dealing with trust and anger issues. I feel like I can’t open myself to anybody like I did with Paul because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again. Also, instead of letting myself cry and deal with the pain I turned to anger towards Paul. I found that if I was angry I didn’t cry as much. So, instead of crying I would say horrible things about him. Out of revenge I made sure everyone knew about it because I felt like Paul had fooled me into thinking he was this great guy, and I felt like everyone should know that he really wasn’t. Although I had a right to be angry, I see that letting my anger turn to rage was just a mask for how hurt I really was.

Thankfully my relationship with God has grown the past couple of years. After my challenge retreat I became more curious about God. I saw all the staffers and adults so happy and joyous about having this “relationship” with him. So started to going to bible study and I became a servant leader, which is a group of youth at POP who serve the church and other youth, my junior year. I also staffed the two challenge retreats that year. For the first time I understood what it was like to have God in my life as someone to turn to and confide in. I got to that point because I started to pray to God like he was a friend, just talking to him. I also, started recognizing that the good things in my life were made possible because of God. I’m one of those people who likes to find God in everyday people and things. Like whenever I see Matt Regitz I feel like God is just working through him, or when I see little babies I’m amazed at God’s gift of life. Basically, I felt like he was actually part of my life outside of the hour I was in mass.

And because of that relationship God was the first one I turned to when the whole Paul ordeal happened. I knew God was the only one who could mend my broken heart. God is helping me a lot through this process because I’m praying that he will help me to move on. Actually, I’ll admit when I found out I was giving this talk I was very afraid. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to share this story with you because it happened very recently. But now I see it is a blessing. Through this talk I was able to realize how all the anger I was holding in my heart towards Paul was hurting me even more. It also made me realize that I thought I was being myself with Paul, but I really wasn’t because the drinking and physical relationship I had with Paul are not things I consider part of my true self to this day. This talk was God’s way of helping me heal because he helped me to realize one of my weaknesses: I don’t easily forgive.

I realized that I still haven’t truly forgiven God for my misery of moving, and that I was still holding all this anger in towards Paul and as much as I knew I needed to let it go I couldn’t. I can’t honestly stand here today and say that I have fully and truly forgiven him. But I realize its going to take some time and I’m praying everyday to forgive and overcome it and trust God’s will. This talk has been a real healing process for me because I’ve realized that its ok to be hurt and that I am a strong enough person to overcome it. I look forward to this retreat because I think it will really help me to heal and forgive. I’m ready to move on.

I realize that getting to know myself is an on going process. I think I can get to know myself better by taking a step back and looking at my day to day actions and words as others see would see them. Almost like looking at myself through others eyes. I thought about this a lot writing this talk and I recognized many strengths about myself. One is that I am very optimistic and really like helping people with their problems. I’ve had many people tell me I’m a good listener and that they like coming to me when they have a problem because they know I will do my best to give them the best advice I can give and really try to cheer them up. It makes me happy to make a difference in someone’s life. That’s why I feel so called by God to be a physical therapist. I want to help people with physical disabilities, and some how make their lives easier. (transition is a little shaky)

Today, I see that I am still that quirky, nerdy, fantasy book reading girl. I’m still optimistic and fun loving. If anything I’m more comfortable being myself around everyone because I feel like God loves me for who I am so I shouldn’t try and hide it. I feel like my past mistakes have made me a stronger person because I have learned from them and I’m working on how to not make them again. Being a senior this year I know that college is only few months away.
Here’s thing, I am so excited about going. High school wasn’t exactly the best four years of my life so I’m ready for the next chapter. But at the same time, I’m petrified. Its going to be a totally new experience, with a lot of new pressures. My hope is that I will have learned from my past mistakes and stick to my convictions. I want to make my inner voice MY voice that I use all the time, not just something that stays deep down inside of me. I hope that when I go to college I keep strengthening my relationship with God

I also realized that once I go off to college nothing will be the same anymore. I wont be living with my parents. I wont see them or my brother and sister every day. I feel such a sadness because I feel like I need a stronger relationship with my family before I move away. One thing that makes me so sad is that my family doesn’t really know the real me. They know that I go to a lot of “Church stuff” but they don’t really know how close I am to God because at my house we don’t really talk about God and how we are doing in our faith life. We just wake up on Sunday’s and go to church. And I wish I had the courage to tell them. I wish I had the courage to be open about our faith lives. I wish we could sit down and read the bible together. But I’m scared because I don’t know how they would react. Its something new and I’m scared to try it. My hope is that this retreat will give me the courage to talk openly with my family about our faith lives and help strengthen theirs as I try to strengthen mine. I know this will only make our relationship stronger, but I just need to courage to make that first step. ( I think I need a transition sentence here)

I’ve had many relationships come and go in my life, and I’ve also had many that have stayed. And the relationships that stay and really work all have one thing in common: I was “REAL” with the other person involved and they were real with me. But to be real with someone you have to know who the real you is and believe me, that can be a difficult concept. But maybe this retreat is a way to discover our real selves
I know we all came on this retreat for different reasons. Some of us really looking forward to the experience of encountering God, some of us really don’t know what to expect, some of us where literally pushed on the bus. But the point is: We’re all here and God wants us here. For me personally I want to get something out of it. I may not know exactly who I am but I am 100% sure that God called me to give this talk, like it was what I was suppose to be being. Although I was scared that I was going to have to be so honest and open with you guys it was incredible writing this talk because I could really feel God moving through me and guiding me. And tonight before …(talk about the feeling I had before the talk) My experiences have made me who am and future experiences will shape me as well. That’s why I’m always discovering new things about myself. I see this retreat is an opportunity to discover and to get know myself and help me live a better life. I see it as a way for God to really help me and guide me if I surrender myself to Him. And what I mean by that is to just be open. Be open to what people have to say, be open to realizing strengths and weaknesses about myself. Be open to new ideas and a better relationship with God because by being open God will have a chance to help you in your life, whether you know it or not. God doesn’t care what I look like or what clothing brand I wear. All he cares about is what’s in my heart. And guys what amazes me is that God has the whole entire world but he still wants us. He still loves us and I want God to look inside my heart and be amazed at who I am. I’m going play my song “Beautiful” by Bethany Dillon